Abba Doulas, the disciple of Abba Bessarion said, 'One day when we were walking beside the sea I was thirsty and I said to Abba Bessarion, "Father, I am very thirsty." He said a prayer and said to me, "Drink some of the sea water." The water proved sweet when I drank some. I even poured some into a leather bottle for fear of being thirsty later on. Seeing this, the old man asked me why I was taking some. I said to him, "Forgive me, it is for fear of being thirsty later on." Then the old man said, "God is here. God is everywhere." '
There are times--not many of them, because of my sinfulness, but they do occasionally occur--when I am struck by my own lack of faith. Like Abba Bessarion's disciple, I am very thirsty...but, despising the words of the Lord which tell me, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day" (Matt. XI:34), I go about my business, busying myself like a bee, collecting that which I can. I make plans. I attempt to forsee and plan for the future.
I do not trust God.
And, what is worse, when my own plans fall apart, for whatever the cause, I cannot just accept it and move on. I react. I get angry, I get impatient, and I become hurtful to others (especially those that love me). I fall into despair and become despondent. I resent. I resent the fact that the universe will not bend to my will, I resent that I have to start all over with my plans and schemes and plots for the future. I have no inner stillness, whatsoever.
And this is what it boils down to: I do not trust God. I want to. I love (or, at least I want to think I do) the Lord. Unfortunately, it is all too obvious that I love myself and my precious plans much more. Would that I could see, more often, how true it is that "God is here. God is everywhere." Perhaps, becuase this is Holy Friday, I feel the poignantcy of this. God is here. God is with us, He that is before the ages. And today, He is crucified that I might be free from the curse of death. Today, there is enough trouble and woe--because I crucified Christ. By refusing to trust Him, by trying to act as if He were not the King before the ages, I cry out with the Jews: Crucify Him, Crucify Him! in my heart.
Lord, have mercy upon Thy wretched and unworthy servant.