The thing is...even though I see this, and understand it, and, heck, even believe it, I have come to this weird place spiritually. Deliverance and salvation at once seem near at hand, and impossibly far away. The truth is, I am still chained by the weight of sins that I commit continually...repent of, confess...and then commit again. The Lord is longsuffering and of great goodness, and his mercy endures forever--but my patience with myself has none of those things. I do love Christ, but I love my sins far more.
A friend tells me that Elder Paisios said that the goal of our life was to learn to love the Lord more than we love sin. I am far, far from the goal, it seems. And those dark hours before the dawn, there every evil thought assaults my imagination, consciously and unconsciously, make me begin to feel that I will never be able to shed the chains of my sins. Even taking things a day at a time proves too much for me. Hour by hour, minute by minute.
O God, be attentive unto helping me; O Lord, make haste to help me. Let them be shamed and confounded that seek after my soul. Let them be turned back and brought to shame that desire evils against me. Let them be turned back straightway in shame that say unto me: Well done! Well done! Let them be glad and rejoice in Thee all that seek after Thee, O God, and let them that love Thy salvation say continually: The Lord be magnified. But as for me, I am poor and needy; O God, come unto mine aid. My helper and my deliverer art Thou, O Lord; make no long tarrying.